And the Darwin Award goes to…
by Obnoxious Unicorn
Summary: After everything Sasuke had done, maybe it wasn't too out-there to suggest that the whole point of this mission was to keep him far, far away from the village. But whatever, you know, he was getting paid for a year-long A-rank mission and all he had to do was put up with a bunch of civilian kids and a few idiots (namely idiots whose names rhymed with taruto). Easy, right?
1. one-way ticket to insanity, please

**A/N: So. I'm just getting over the most horrendous year and a half of my life. Other than that I've not got much to say other than I binged the entirety of Naruto in two months, sold my soul to anime, and am back in the trash game of fanfiction. Yayy. Enjoy, lads.**

* * *

The moron was practically vibrating in his seat. Honestly. It wasn't like he'd never been out of the village, travelled for three years, ridden on some literal turtle-island, saved the world, fought across dimensions or anything like that. They were on a _train._ Ooh, how exciting, right?! _Idiot_. Not like they can't _run_ faster than this metal _death trap_ was moving.

"Dobe, if you don't quit moving I _swear_ I'm going to—"

"Now, Sasuke-kun, let's not fight before the other children even get on the train, ne?"

Right. With what he believed was a suitably ticked-off glower at both the blonde dumbass and Kakashi, Sasuke bit his tongue and resigned himself to a very long, very _irritating_ ride.

"Sasuke-kun, did you remember the prosthetic Yamato-sensei made?" asked Sakura, and Sasuke tried very hard not to let his wince show.

Did Sasuke remember to pack the prosthetic arm? He definitely remembered that he had no intentions of ever, ever using that damn wooden limb, if that answered Sakura's question.

"Baa-chan is gonna punch you into the next century when she finds out, teme," snickered Naruto.

Kami. Sasuke wonders if the contact lens he's wearing will hold up against the full, concentrated power of his Rinnegan or if he'll be able to dump Naruto in one of Kaguya's dimensions.

Kakashi _tsk_ d in that frustratingly dickish way of his that involved raising his eyebrows, turning a page in his book, and crossing one leg over the other all the while managing to convey _extreme_ condescending disapproval without ever looking away from his nasty, nasty book. "We're supposed to be keeping a low profile, you know. It'll be odd enough that you don't have wands and you have enough weapons between you to take down a small army— _don't think I didn't see you sealing them away._ Now we have to decide on a convincing story as to how you tragically lost your arm."

Oh, Kakashi was in one of _those_ moods. The ones where he wasn't feeling particularly forgiving, where he felt they were being idiots and that he shouldn't have to put up with this. How unfortunate for him that _this_ was his delightful little team. It was in these types of moods that Kakashi had no qualms bringing up the whole _Valley of the End Incident._ Not Sasuke's finest hour.

Sasuke drags his thoughts away from _That Time_ to now, entirely presently annoyed at Naruto for being Naruto, at Kakashi for being Kakashi, at Sakura for bringing up the very thing that resulted in them being so annoyingly themselves. Huh. That almost made it feel like home.

"Oh, hey, we're coming to the station now!" Sakura exclaimed, leaning past Naruto to watch.

"Uh, Kakashi-sensei?" asked Naruto, staring out at the platform as they slowly pulled to a stop. Sasuke could see nothing but civilians out there, all entirely thrilled with their days and enjoying life and decidedly _not_ on their guard for any potential attacks. Gross. "These guys all look… I mean _we_ look pretty different, don't you think?"

Sasuke glanced at the dobe from the corner of his eye, wondering where he was going with this.

Naruto scratched the back of his head. "We're supposed to be pretending to be _fifteen._ I… I don't think we could get away with being _seventeen,_ even though that's what we _are,_ you know?"

Sasuke looked at Sakura's Strength of a Hundred seal, Naruto's bandaged arm and whisker-birthmarks, Kakashi's perma-mask. He was distinctly aware of the irritable contact lens in his left eye, and the shift of fabric over what remained of his arm. Added to that was the fact that, of course, even though Naruto and Sasuke weren't massively tall for their age they were broad-shouldered and toned, and all of them were trained killers who didn't know how to _not_ be on their guards so soon after the war. Even in their Western civilian clothes there was something _off_ about how they looked.

Yeah. Maybe the dobe had a point.

"It's in all your documentation, so don't worry about it. Everything is perfectly illegally legal," said Kakashi, and then he snapped his book closed and stood with a bright — probably, anyway — smile. "Time for me to go!"

Oh. That meant the… _kids…_ would be boarding soon. Sasuke nearly shuddered.

"Thanks Kakashi-sensei," Sakura said warmly, waving happily. "Tell Tsunade-sama I'll send her weekly updates!"

"Mm-hmm. Naruto-kun, Sasuke-kun…" Kakashi's pleasant demeanour dropped and for a split-second Sasuke felt like he was taking that bell test all over again. "Do _not_ make me give Sakura-chan permission beat you up. _Behave."_

Sasuke sighed. So rude.

Then with a poof, Kakashi was gone.

And of course Naruto began being his obnoxious self. "Alright! Wow, this is our first mission together in— in— _years!_ Man, this is gonna be awesome."

Sasuke was not smiling. He was _not._ It was a grimace, because Naruto. Yes.

"Aw, Sasuke-kun," cooed Sakura, and Sasuke might be horrified if he didn't already know she was over him. "Is that a smile I can see? _Hmmm?_ Come on, don't be shy!"

Naruto gave a dramatic gasp, clutching at his chest. "Sakura-chan, it's true! _He can smile!_ My eyes! It's terrible— Make him stop!"

Now he was definitely not smiling. With a scowl, he _accidentally_ placed his booted foot in Naruto's face. Ah, that was better. He allowed himself a vindictively pleased smile at Naruto's indignant squawk. Served him right.

And if laughter filled the compartment— Well. Sasuke supposed he didn't mind too much.

* * *

In hindsight, letting Naruto wander off on his own to find the toilet was probably a bad idea. A very bad idea, really, given that an hour later he still hadn't come back and Sasuke had half a mind to tear the train apart just to find him. Not that he was worried. Honestly, if Naruto couldn't handle a few civvy kids then he had no chance at the title of Hokage; Sasuke would just really rather keep him in sight. It was, after all, just the three of them, thousands of miles from their home.

"I'm going to find that moron," he muttered, standing and shoving the door open. A tiny waif of a child had been walking past, took one look at him, and ran back in the other direction. _Flee, child, flee._

"Sasuke-kun—"

"He'll blow our cover before we even get to the school and you know it," said Sasuke, because even now Naruto was so sickeningly honest it was practically a handicap.

Sakura sighed. "Just… don't… cause any damage, ne?"

Sasuke would be offended were it not for he and Naruto's track record around Konoha. He waved off her concern. "If I'm not back in half an hour with the dobe in tow, just assume I threw him off the train."

Funny thing was, it wasn't entirely unlikely either.

Taking Sakura's pained sigh as a goodbye, Sasuke slid the door shut behind him and set off stalking through the train, secretly revelling in the children that scuttled out of his way.

He found Naruto with two redheads and a boy with dreadlocks. By the sounds of laughter, Sasuke just _knew_ he was going to open this door to a compartment full of Naruto-Kiba-hybrids. Shinigami take him already. Taking solace in the knowledge that he had faced down a veritable goddess before, Sasuke slid open the door and leant against the frame.

Four pairs of eyes slid over to him, and Sasuke resisted the urge to roll his eyes at the pleasantly surprised expression on Naruto's dumb face.

"Teme! This is Fred, George and Lee!" Naruto said cheerfully, pointing at the three boys.

Suddenly glad he had chosen to perform a quick translation henge jutsu before exploring the train (and by the way, one handed seals? _Not easy.)_ , Sasuke nods to them. _Given name, clan name._ "Sasuke Uchiha."

"Good afternoon," said Fred.

"Nice to meet you," said George.

"Your friend here—"

"—Was telling us—"

"—About some of his exploits—"

"—In your hometown—"

They grinned. "Care to share?"

Sasuke stared, because what the fuck. He turned his stare to Naruto, silently begging him to explain just what the hell he walked into.

Of course, Naruto just grabbed his wrist and tugged him onto one of the seats. 'One of the seats' meaning him being wedged between both Fred and George while Naruto gleefully watched from opposite.

"So, teme, did you miss me or what?"

This time Sasuke _did_ roll his eyes. "Just wanted to make sure you hadn't fallen off the train, dobe. Sakura would kill us both."

Naruto winced at the thought, and Sasuke didn't blame him. Since returning to Konoha he had, on more than one occasion, been on the receiving end of her temper (admittedly, not without fault).

"Ooh, _Sakura,_ eh?" inquired Lee, raising his eyebrows.

"Sounds like a charmer," said George.

"Is she interested in dashingly handsome redheads?" asked Fred.

Sasuke and Naruto locked gazes for a long, heavy moment.

And then they laughed. Oh, kami, what a joke. _Sakura_ and a civilian? About as likely as him and Naruto.

Sasuke cleared his throat, suppressing his mirth. "By all means, you're welcome to try."

"Just don't come crying to us when she breaks your ribs," added Naruto.

"Hmm, sounds like a challenge," hummed Fred.

"Indeed, my dearest twin," agreed George.

Naruto and Sasuke shared looks of complete horror.

"Now, she sounds an awful lot like a Gryffindor, if you ask us."

"Which raises the question: if you're all friends, do you think you'll be in Gryffindor too?"

Gryffindor. One of the four houses: the House of the Courageous. They went over this slightly in their mission brief, but nothing particularly in depth. Courage, loyalty, wit, ambition.

Naruto shrugged. "I dunno much about the houses, but from what I've heard I'll probably be in Gryffindor or Hufflepuff. Sakura would definitely be a Ravenclaw."

Eyes landed on Sasuke. He shrugged. "Most likely Slytherin." House of snakes? The irony would simply be too much for the universe to pass up.

He didn't miss the slightly tense silence following his words. Wonderful. Looks like _snake bad_ here too.

With a sigh, Sasuke stood. "Dobe, Sakura's going to be looking for us."

Naruto smiled sheepishly. "Yeah, I guess I lost track of time. Nice meeting you guys!"

The three were seemingly brought back to life again after that.

"Farewell, fellow prankster!"

"We look forward to passing on our legacy to you!"

"Guys, quit freaking the new guys out," sighed Lee, but it was fond. "See you guys around school."

They left.

* * *

"Our mission is the protection of one specific target. Really, we shouldn't keep too far away…" said Naruto.

They were sat in a triangle on the floor of their compartment, discussing their plan for the year now that they had the house rivalries to consider.

"True. However…" Sakura trailed off, tucking some hair behind her ear. "However, if we spread ourselves across the houses, no one can question how three exchange students with such different personalities managed to end up in the same house. And we can use our distribution to gather information."

Sasuke nodded. "Slytherin. The information we had on this terrorist leader said that he and his followers are all from that one house. We can determine who's loyal to his cause, and who can be swayed. I'm the logical choice for Slytherin, but one of you needs to be in Gryffindor so no one is too far from the target. That leaves someone in Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff."

Naruto scratched the back of his head. "I'm not really the Ravenclaw type, but Hufflepuff— People underestimate them. That tournament they had last year, with the Champions. The kid in the lead was a Hufflepuff."

Sasuke stared at the idiot. "He also died."

Naruto laughed sheepishly. "Well, uh, yeah, but still — no one expected him to get as far as he did. They underestimated him like they do for the whole house. I'd probably be able to lay low there."

Sakura nodded. "I could get by in either Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff, I think. Ravenclaw sounds… more suited to me, I think. They're good at research, value intelligence; I'd be able to gather information easily from there." And here she smiled that terrifying smile that she _definitely_ learnt from Tsunade. "And if they think I'm just a bookworm that's fair game— Well. They won't for long."

 _Monster. An actual monster in a happy pink shell._

Just as Sasuke opened his mouth to make a suggestion about finding somewhere for meeting, someone knocked on the door. He felt his eyebrow twitch, hating how there were so many people on this train that his senses were unable to focus on any single person.

They turned to see a bushy haired girl slide the door open. "Ah, hello, sorry to bother you; are you the new exchange students?"

Sakura waved cheerfully. "That's us! I'm Sakura, this is Naruto, and this is Sasuke." Without prompt, they rose and sat on the seats once more. Sasuke hoped that action wasn't _too_ coordinated-looking for the civilian look they had going.

The girl smiled and just walked right on in and sat down next to Sasuke. Clearly he wasn't looking menacing enough today. "I'm Hermione Granger; pleasure to meet you. Do you have any questions about Hogwarts, like lessons or the building or anything…?" He watched closely as her eyes flickered down to his absent arm, satisfied when she showed no outward reaction. Not a lost cause then.

"'Mione, what— Oh, hullo," said the redheaded boy who stumbled in. Sasuke had a horrid suspicion he was related to those insane twins. And then _his_ eyes fell to Sasuke's left arm, and he gaped quite hideously. "Bloody he—"

 _"_ _Ronald,"_ said Hermione sharply, and the boy flushed as he snapped his mouth shut. Hermione smiled at him apologetically. "Sorry about that."

Sasuke raised an eyebrow and remained silent until she looked away, uncomfortable. _Good._

Hermione stood and moved to usher the boy out the doorway. "Um, we'll be arriving in about an hour. You should probably get your robes on. I've been asked to tell you that you'll be sorted with the first years. Um, goodbye." She shut the door behind her, and they all heard the particularly thorough chastising she gave Ronald.

"You won't make any friends if you keep scaring everyone away, teme," drawled Naruto, and wow, okay, clearly they've been spending too much time together as a team because Naruto _definitely_ got that tone from either him or Kakashi.

And, in good humour, Sasuke said, "Fuck off, dobe. I'm here for a mission, not to make friends."

 _"_ _Boys."_

It was the tone, coupled with the dreaded Hell-Smile, that shut them up. Haruno Sakura, dreaded demon medic, knew a hundred-and-one ways to paralyse a man without leaving any evidence. Sasuke was willing to bet he wouldn't have time to bring up his Susano'o, nor Naruto his Six Paths form, before he was lay on the floor asking himself what the fuck just happened.

(They really needed to work on their reaction times, he and Naruto, if ever they wanted a chance against Sakura when she was feeling particularly wrathful.)

* * *

"Firs' years! Firs' years this way!"

They sighed as one. Sasuke put his hand in the pocket of his ridiculous robe and trudged after the crowd of small children. When they came to a dock, and several boats, Sasuke questioned the sanity of the entire magical community. The giant of a man who had shepherded them to the dock, who reminded Sasuke of a permanent Akimichi Expansion Jutsu, paused as he saw them towering over the first years — even Sakura, which really _was_ saying something.

"You mus' be the exchange students. I'm Hagrid, Rubeus Hagrid. The boats are only small now, so one of yous ride with me and the other two take one boat, alright?"

Sasuke carefully didn't comment that the man looked as though he needed his own boat, because Sakura volunteered to ride with Hagrid. She was the smallest, and water affinity. If she fell in the lake she'd be fine. Angry, but fine.

Naruto clambered into a boat, and Sasuke followed him in. With a bit of chakra the boat hardly wobbled at all.

Soon enough they were moving, and Sasuke irritably batted aside the willow branches as they moved to the open lake. He scratched at his eyes as they began to itch, which was somewhat concerning. They'd never itched before from anything other than exhaustion and overuse, which was impossible now, because his chakra stores were full and—

"Teme, you feel that?" murmured Naruto.

Sasuke looked at him in the warm light of the lantern. Naruto turned to look at him over his shoulder.

"Kurama says the chakra here is so heavy it's all through the air, but I can only sense it like a tingling on my skin. Do your eyes…?"

"They itch like hell, yeah." Kami, but he wanted that contact lens out. Tomorrow he was just using a henge, risks of broken concentration be damned.

They emerged from the willow trees, and Sasuke dropped his hands from his face as he stared up at the castle. He'd seen bigger, seen more elaborate designs, but the way the chakra in the air seemed to be focused there on this huge, glowing castle…

"Whoa…" breathed Naruto.

Sasuke hummed in agreement, though secretly he wondered if the whole point of having first years arrive in boats was simply to wow them with the sight of the rather imposing structure looming over a moonlit lake. It seemed dramatic in such a way that Sasuke thought he was beginning to understand was simply a wizarding way of life.

As they arrived they were let up to the doors of the castle and into an antechamber, where they were met by a stern faced woman waiting before yet another set of doors. Sasuke was starting to miss paper screens.

She went on about the sorting, and that they had to wait for their names to be called, and said some stuff about the houses, but Sasuke's left eye was still itching, almost to the point of watering.

"Sasuke?" Naruto called lowly.

"Cast a henge over me. Need to get this contact lens out," he muttered.

He waited until he felt Naruto's chakra drape over him like a veil, and then in one swift motion he removed the contact lens. Almost immediately the world seemed clearer, brighter, and people's movements were all entirely noticeable to him. Sasuke let out a small sigh of relief, pocketing the old lens. Yeah, tomorrow would definitely be a henge.

The large doors opened, and they were herded into a large hall filled with the rest of the student population. All cramped into the middle of the two centre tables, Sasuke suddenly felt incredibly out of place standing a whole foot over the other children.

Beside him, Sakura smothered a snort.

Sasuke tried not to scowl. "What's so hilarious?"

Sakura disguised a laugh as a cough. "It's just like your Chuunin exams again."

Both Naruto and Sasuke blanched at the memory. Sasuke, having left at Genin and not returning until after the war, and Naruto, having been travelling with Jiraiya and then fighting against Akatsuki, had been Genin right up until three months ago, when an impromptu Chuunin exam was held for all those who protected their village during the war. And Sasuke and Naruto, S-rank missing-nin and Kyuubi Jinchuuriki, had been forced to take the exam with everyone else if they ever wanted to be recognised as having a respectable rank. In the end, they had been among the only ones who passed purely because nearly everyone else was beside themselves with fear of Sasuke or hero-worship of Naruto. It had been a somewhat embarrassing time.

Now, even if it was unofficial, at least they were honorary Jounin. Wouldn't be able to take _that_ test until this mission was over; added to whatever research they had to do this year to keep their cover and complete the mission, they also had to study for this Jounin exam. Sasuke took pleasure in knowing that Kakashi wouldn't be able to slack off while they were gone; he had Hokage training, after all. _Let's see him find the time to read that trash now._

McGonagall, Sasuke thought she said her name was, started reading out names.

"Haruno, Sakura," she read, and interested murmurs broke out across the hall.

Sakura moved between the tiny first years and sat on the stool, and Sasuke watched with some amusement as the ugly old hat was placed on her head. The Sakura he first joined Team Seven with would have dropped dead before allowing that thing near her hair.

Sakura looked quite cheerful up there, he noted. Not at all like she was having a mental debate with a sentient hat. He remembered what he'd been told of Sakura's first Chuunin exam fight against Ino, and what had happened when the girl tried invading her mind with her clan's jutsu. It hadn't been very successful.

With almost an exasperated huff, the hat yelled, "Ravenclaw!"

There was applause, and Sakura smiled politely as she handed the hat back to McGonagall. She met both he and Naruto's gazes as she went to sit at the blue and bronze table. _Naruto will be Gryffindor, then._

More names, more polite applause.

"Uchiha, Sasuke."

He could feel eyes on his arm, and the interested murmurs arose once more. Whatever. He tried to look as dignified as he could when the hat was placed on his head, and he steadfastly _did not look at Naruto_ as he allowed the thing into his mind.

 _"_ _Ah, another supposed exchange student. My, you have quite a colourful past, don't you?"_

 _"_ _Just sort me already."_

 _"_ _Mm, your friend already explained it. You need someone in Gryffindor and someone in Slytherin, I know."_

 _"_ _Hurry it up."_

 _"_ _Yes, yes. Hmm, but you are so very interesting… Left your village to pursue what seemed at the time to be an impossible goal… Returned to fight for what you believed to be right… Stuck to your ideals and fought nearly to the death before you accepted defeat… Oh, you plan ahead and certainly have brains, and you're no stranger to hard work, but goodness can you be stubborn and headstrong. A moon alien princess? How interesting. Yes, this behaviour is very much—_ Gryffindor!"

 _"_ _What the fu—"_

The hat was plucked from his head, and he was ushered down to the red and gold table. Fuck. _Fuck fuck fuck._ Sasuke was dimly aware of the congratulations he received as he sat down, because _Uzumaki, Naruto_ had taken his seat.

Kami, if he had looked half as ridiculous as Naruto did with that damned hat on his head.

Sasuke met Sakura's eyes from across the tables. She looked equally as nervous as he felt.

This would be fine. Naruto would be just fine in Hufflepuff by himself, like he said, and if they both ended up in Gryffindor then it still wouldn't be the end of the—

"Slytherin!"

Sasuke watched, despairing, as Naruto cheerfully joined the green and silver table, waving as though everything was absolutely fine when absolutely everything was going to shit and it had barely been a day.

Naruto saw Sasuke staring and waved at him, too, with a helpless sort of shrug.

Sasuke turned back to Sakura, and they both knew it.

They were doomed.


	2. hearing voices is entirely healthy

**A/N: Um, wow. Was sooo not expecting this to be as well-received as it was. Thanks, guys. Anyway, I don't bash characters (anymore, that is... despite what some of my older, more cringe-worthy stories might suggest. sigh). I believe in good, wholesome character development, even for assholes. Characters like Umbridge and Danzō cut it really, _really_ close, but I still try to make an effort. I'm shite at writing angst these days and find it draining at best, so any angst you find in this story will either be canon (because 5th year Harry was the Angst King and also _Naruto_ always manages to pack a surprising punch in that department) or somewhat logical (start of a wizarding war, and Team 7 _are_ technically just getting over the Fourth Shinobi War). Also, don't hate for the upcoming bastardisation of a Japanese name. If Pokémon can do it for Mew… Well. Enjoy. **

* * *

Somewhere in the back of his mind, Sasuke had a little voice that liked to scream at him from time to time. Now, over the years — having made as many poor choices as he had — he'd grown quite adept at ignoring the little voice and its words of wisdom. So while this voice was screaming at him to take a minute to think things through, Sasuke was telling it to shut the fuck up while he planned Naruto's demise. He liked to call the voice Kabutwo. They were about as annoying as each other.

Wait, wait, wait — the ugly pink woman was saying something. _Progress for the sake of progress… Prohibited… Good friends? That's likely._ The redheaded twins — Fred and George? — echoed his sentiments aloud. Well. Perhaps the wizarding world wasn't entirely beyond hope. Kami, but that government lady looked like one of Naruto's toads.

And then the talking was more or less done with, and Sasuke tried not to look too surprised when the plates in front of him were suddenly filled with food. Naturally, he hadn't ever eaten anything remotely similar to this cuisine before. It all looked rather… heavy. Oh, rice, good. Maybe just a bowl of rice wasn't the most nutritional, but he'd rather not be ill after what was already a clusterfuck of a first day.

"Um, Sasuke, wasn't it?"

Oh, right. _The children._ He was going to have to be… social. Delightful. Sasuke forced a polite expression onto his face, made somewhat easier by the knowledge that later, at some point, he was going to beat the shit out of Naruto after finding out what the hell he was playing at. Ah. The girl from the train; Hermione Granger? "Yeah." He'd spent the majority of his early teen years shutting himself away from other people, and then he'd had no one but Kabuto and Orochimaru for company. So maybe his people skills needed some work — but fuck, that's what Naruto and Sakura were there for; he never had to bother before.

(He had a sudden, sneaking suspicion that perhaps this had been the Hokage's plan all alone, to get him re-acquainted with how people outside a shinobi lifestyle worked. It could have been his considerable paranoia, even though Kabutwo told him that he might actually have been onto something. But then he remembered that it was Tsunade Senju, who really didn't like him, and decided that he really was just being paranoid because it was much more probable that she did this out of spite, and also to keep Naruto and him from causing any damage while the village finished rebuilding and recovering.)

"I know we met on the train, but it's nice to officially meet you," said Granger with a smile.

Right. Yes. Nice. Sasuke smiled and hoped he didn't look ill.

"This is Neville," she said, and a nervous looking boy with a rather ugly plant on his lap smiled shyly at him. "This is Ron Weasley," she nodded at the redhead from the train who was just about to shove a fork full of pie in his mouth, but paused at the introduction and flushed red slightly.

"Uh, yeah. Um, sorry about… you know…" Weasley trailed off, looking incredibly uncomfortable.

So, just to be a bastard, Sasuke lifted the stump of his left arm — which had beforehand been rather unnoticeable beneath the heavy material of the cloak — and raised an eyebrow.

The boy flushed further, but to his credit didn't further put his foot in his mouth. Impressive. Sasuke had been expecting worse.

"Yeah, uh, sorry," he muttered one last time before giving in and surrendering himself to his pie.

Granger cleared her throat, "And this is Harry."

He didn't miss the omission of a family name. Sasuke kept his face smooth of any outward reaction to the name of their target — the subject their client tasked them with protecting — and turned his gaze onto the dark haired, sullen looking teen. Huh. He almost had brooding down to Sasuke's level; but of course Sasuke was the undefeated master of brooding — reflecting, as he liked to call it.

The boy met his stare with his own, with an almost expectant resignation written across his face. Sasuke recognised that look: he himself had worn it often enough after the massacre, knowing that anyone he spoke to in Konoha would look at him and see something they already knew as nothing more than another tragedy. It got pretty old pretty fast. Sasuke knew about Harry Potter, of course. It was critical information they couldn't afford to _not_ know. Everyone and their dog thought Potter was a raving lunatic, because their parents said so, the news said so, the government said so. It was a good thing Sasuke learnt from experience that sometimes, being wary of hidden government regimes was for the best (ideally, less people would die that way). And one that hired that simpering pink oaf to teach in a school? _Fuck the government._

Polite. He could remember polite from his mother's teachings, right? "Nice to meet you," he said, dipping his head. _Nice one, Sasuke. Strong performance so far, 10/10._

"Gotta admit," said Fred, whose chakra signature was a bit more refined than his brother's.

"Wasn't expecting your mate to end up in Slytherin," said George, with the slightly wilder chakra.

Sasuke didn't grimace, but he came close. Yeah. Naruto. The living, breathing disaster who seemed busy chatting away to a few entirely bemused looking Slytherins. "It was definitely a surprise." He starts thinking homicidal thoughts again, and Kabotwo begins shrieking once more. Right, right. Murder bad, or whatever.

"You mean your blonde friend — Naruto, was it?" inquired Granger.

Oh, was he going to have to attempt a full conversation? "Yeah. We thought I'd be in that house and he'd be in Gryffindor," he said, very much trying not to sound sour. Were he over at Slytherin, as he _should_ have been, he probably wouldn't have to make conversation. He could just eat silently and scope out the enemy.

Weasley raised his eyebrows in surprise. "Why would you want to be in _Slytherin?"_

 _Just_ when Sasuke thought he might be tolerable. He suppressed a sigh, and said, "Just thought I was best suited to that house."

He huffed. "Yeah, well, trust me — it's for the best that you're not."

"Ronald!" hissed Hermione, and Sasuke was beginning to get the idea that a great deal of her time was spent scolding the boy. "Didn't you listen to the hat's song? We're supposed to be thinking of _unity!"_

People actually listened to the hat? It really, what, sprouted words of wisdom via a jaunty tune? It was going to be a long year.

Weasley scoffed. "How likely is it that we'll be getting chummy with the Slytherins anytime soon?"

With a huff, Granger stabbed a green bean with her fork. _"Very_ likely, actually."

People around her, Sasuke included, stared in confusion. (Sasuke liked to think he looked at least a little more dignified about it though.)

"Um, what?" asked Potter, voicing the collecting bemusement.

Hermione smiled, and it was just a little bit smug. "You're forgetting that Naruto's in Slytherin, and he's already friends with Sasuke and, uh, Sakura, was it?" she paused, looking to Sasuke for confirmation which he didn't provide, but she steamrolled on anyway, "Yes, Sakura. So you see, there's _already_ inter-house unity. It just needs to catch on, is all."

And the most horrifying thing was that Sasuke could actually see it happening. Kami, he could picture it: Naruto infecting the surly Slytherins with his rainbows-and-sunshine personality; by the end of the week they would be sat at their tables, smiling at one another for no reason; by the end of the term they would already be branching out to talk to the other houses, and with Naruto at their front they would obliterate any stereotypes of Dark witches and wizards or evil families; by the end of the year this Voldemort himself would be infected and world peace announced, with Naruto as supreme and benevolent Kage, he and Sakura at his side. Wait, no, no— Sasuke forcibly made himself forget all of that terrifying scenario. Much better.

Still; Naruto and the power of friendship were a force to be reckoned with. Sasuke had firsthand experience with that.

"Sasuke? Don't you agree?" Granger turned to him with a bright smile.

"Yes," said Sasuke, grateful it didn't come out as weak as he felt. "Knowing Naruto, it's _incredibly_ likely."

And if the others looked at each other doubtfully, well fuck them. They hadn't had the moron chase them across countries before finally meeting in a landscape-changing battle that ended with limbs lost from both parties. Their opinions were entirely invalid when it came to Naruto.

* * *

Conveniently, his bed was beside Potter's. Unnecessary, perhaps, but it provided maximum protection. He idly drew his belongings from his pack, quickly tucking a few weapons scrolls under the mattress and a couple more under the dresser. He kept one ear on the tense conversation around him, and readied himself to intervene as tempers started rising.

As soon as Potter made a jab at some boy's mother, Sasuke knew it was time.

"Don't you dare have a go at my mother!" yelled the boy, face growing red as he balled his hands into fists.

Potter grabbed his wand up from the dresser. "I'll have a go at anyone who calls me a liar!" And he brought his wand up — to have his wrist caught by Sasuke.

"That's quite enough of that," he said, barely even wavering when Potter began to tug at his hand.

"Get off!" he demanded, and his other hand balled up as if wanting to his him.

 _Please make my day._ He knew that, really, that was an altogether terrible idea and Sakura would beat him to within an inch of his life if he attempted any sort of violence against a civilian, and that Naruto would look all sad and pathetic like a kicked puppy, and if it got back to Kakashi or Tsunade he may as well walk around with a sign that read _Dead-Man Walking._

"Are you ready to quit acting like idiots?" he retorted, shooting an irritated glower at the other boy.

"What's going on?" Oh, wonderful, Weasley had returned. He stared first at Potter's wand, and then at Sasuke who was gripping Potter's wrist, and then at Potter's red face, and then across to the other angry boy.

"He's having a go at my mother!" yelled the other boy.

Weasley looked surprised, and skeptical. "What? There's got to be a mistake, Harry wouldn't—"

"If your mother didn't believe every word the bloody _Daily Prophet_ had to say about me, I wouldn't be having a go!" yelled Potter, tugging at his arm once more. He turned to Sasuke with a scowl. "Look, I get that you're new here and you don't know what's going on, but if you don't _let me go I'll hex you."_

Sasuke stared back. That probably would have been more threatening had Sasuke not literally come out of a hell-war less than six months ago. "Yes, I'm new here, but — _shockingly_ — I do know what's going on. But that doesn't change the fact that you're all acting like _fools_ and you haven't even been here for a full day yet." This would have been a wonderful time for Naruto to be in Gryffindor. All he'd have to do was headbutt Potter, headbutt the other kid, give them some inspirational, crushingly shame-inducing, uncomfortably guilt-tripping speech, and send them on their merry ways. The next day they'd be holding hands and enthusiastically exchanging letters with the Kazekage about the wonderfulness that was Uzumaki Naruto.

(Not that Sabaku no Gaara was the type to enthusiastically exchange letters with anyone, but Sasuke had a bet with himself that he thanked Naruto every night before going to bed for making him into less of a soulless, homicidal, terrifying brat. Naruto had that affect, annoyingly.)

(That wasn't to say that Sasuke silently thanked Naruto every night for beating sense into him. Not in the least. _Definitely not._ He would have ended up just _fine_ without the dobe's influence. Really.)

"You know what?" said the other boy, who clearly didn't know when to just stop and give it a rest. "I don't want to share a dorm with him anymore — he's barking mad!"

Weasley's face grew red, and Sasuke only had _one arm,_ for Kami's sake, how was he supposed to stop _three_ idiots from doing something stupid without causing bodily harm or using chakra?

"That's out of order, Seamus," said Weasley.

The boy, Seamus, looked like he would rather not be picking a fight against two, possibly three, boys in the middle of the dormitory, but nevertheless said, "Out of order, am I? You believe all the rubbish he's come out with about You-Know-Who? Reckon he's telling the truth?"

 _You-Know-Who?_ Sasuke had to bite down on his tongue so as not to laugh. _You-Know-Who._ And what if someone _didn't_ know, hm? What then? Sasuke was sorely tempted to play the part of the innocently confused foreigner, then reminded himself that he was not Naruto and that he had better things to do with his time. Like _stopping this before—_

"Yeah, I do!" Weasley stated, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Then you're mad too—"

 _"Oi,_ I said that's _enough,"_ Sasuke cut in firmly.

"He's right," said the otherwise quiet, awkward looking boy from beside his bed. "We shouldn't be arguing about this. I believe Harry, my gran believes Harry— No, Seamus, my gran says it's not Dumbledore that's going downhill, it's the _Prophet._ We cancelled our subscription and everything. She always said You-Know-Who would come back one day. She says if Dumbledore says he's back, then he's back."

There was a long silence. Sasuke glanced at Potter and found him to be suitably calm, and released his wrist.

Potter eyed him warily as he placed his wand down on his dresser. "And what about you?"

Sasuke busied himself with setting out his uniform for the next day. "What about me?"

"What do you believe?"

He huffed a laugh. What a dumb question. "I believe there's no such thing as being over-prepared."

* * *

 **Misadventures of a Jinchuuriki: I**

Naruto knew Sasuke was gonna be pissed, but he smiled and waved and pretended he couldn't feel a blazing Rinnegan glaring a hole into his head from across the hall. But, hey, the bastard was the one who decided they needed someone in Slytherin — and, of course, who was _Naruto_ to object to such a brilliant plan? Well. Everything would be fine as long as he kept an eye out for stray kunai mysteriously heading in the direction of his face.

Really though, he didn't understand what everyones' problem was with Slytherin. Sure, they were kind of quiet and surly in a Hyuuga-esque sort of way, but that was fine. Nothing he couldn't turn around, given some time! Soon enough they'd be having just as much fun as everyone else.

He tuned out the boring pink lady, but _did_ notice that several people at his table looked interested in what she was saying. Oh well, he'd just have to ask Sakura about it later. When the teachers _finally_ stopped talking, the table filled with food— And Naruto mourned the lack of ramen. He was really going to have to fix this place up some; stuffy people, and boring food? _Unacceptable._

"So, you're one of the new exchange students," said one of the students, and Naruto looked up from the unusual foods at the pale blonde who had spoken. Huh, eyes that pale and hair that colour — he almost had the colouring of a Yamanaka.

Naruto grinned. "Yep! Naruto Uzumaki!" It was odd, still, to introduce himself with his given name first — the translation jutsu was good, but he still had to get his words in the right order in some places.

The boy gave him a once over, and Naruto recognised the assessing look for what it was; he'd received that look on the battlefield and in Konoha regularly from those who thought he was less than he was. It didn't matter. Naruto knew his worth.

"Uzumaki; I can't say I've ever heard of _that_ family…" the boy trailed off, lip curling.

 _Blood supremacy. Elitism._ That's what their briefing had warned them about when it came to Slytherin House. Were he Sasuke, equipped with knowledge of clan politics and an outwardly cool demeanour (no matter how much of a fucking basket-case he truly was on the inside), Naruto might know how to handle this situation. As it was, Naruto's only real experience with nobles stubbornly set in their ways was to hit them real hard repeatedly until they realised how dumb they were being.

As it was, Naruto really didn't think Baa-chan would approve of his usual methods.

Their cover was that they were from a small, secreted magical community in Japan, with rather different ways of using _magic_ than the rest of the Japanese wizarding world. If ever the topic of family relations came up, they were told to use their imagination; Kakashi had advised sticking as close to the truth as possible without actually telling them the truth. Now, Naruto might not have been a great liar, but sweet _Kami_ could he talk. So, Naruto told the truth. "Well, that's probably because the Uzumaki are mostly all dead."

The boy looked surprised, and interested. "Oh? Terribly tragic, but how could an entire family be wiped out? Surely they used their magic to defend themselves?"

Magic. It all came down to the magic. Naruto scratched the back of his head, recalling what he could about the fate of the Uzumaki. "They were pretty much wiped out in an ambush years ago. A bunch of people wanted them dead because of their skills; I don't know much about it, but whoever was left scattered and dropped the name for their own safety I guess."

Uzumaki were easy to talk about; Namikaze, on the other hand… Naruto really didn't know much about his dad's family.

His explanation, apparently, was satisfying; the boy extended a hand across the table. "Draco Malfoy.

Naruto's grin broadened into the kind that always managed to get even Sasuke smiling back, and he reached out to shake the offered hand. He caught the slight hesitation in the boy when his robes pulled back to reveal his bandages; Naruto grasped Draco's hand anyway, letting him know that he wasn't injured. Really, he didn't even need the bandages… they were only there because the Senju-cell arm beneath was kinda gross looking.

The dark-haired girl sat beside Draco gasped rather dramatically at the sight of his arm, however, and leant in a bit closer. "Merlin, what happened to your arm? You aren't injured, are you? I'm Pansy, by the way."

 _Merlin…?_ Naruto shrugged that off as a wizarding quirk — they had quite a few, he'd noticed. "Nah, it's fine, I did it ages ago," he said, hoping he sounded convincing enough. In a way, it _did_ feel like practically a lifetime ago, if only because he and Sasuke very nearly — maybe even _did_ , for a little while — kill each other. Whatever. That was just if you wanted to be picky about the details.

"But what happened?" she pressed.

Naruto tried not to squirm under the sudden attention, feeling rather like the Snake Sannin had him pinned under that creepy stare of his. "Uh… It was an accident?" Sort of. He hadn't actually planned to get his arm blown off, but again. Details. "But, uh, hey, tell me a bit about the school. You, um, have loads of teachers, so tell me about them!" He blindsided them with his best smile.

 _"That was the weakest attempt at a topic change I've ever seen,"_ Kurama deadpanned.

Naruto didn't let his smile dim as the students around him started talking about their teachers, but he did make sure to give the Kyuubi the mental equivalent of the finger.

* * *

 _"I can't believe they put them in the_ dungeons," Naruto said to Kurama as he unpacked his belongings. His bed was at the end, beside a boy who introduced himself as Blaise Zabini. The others in the room were Theodore Nott, Vincent Crabbe, Gregory Goyle and Draco. Naruto thought they were all too serious for their own goods, but then he supposed there _was_ a war going on.

 _"As if it's much different from your mindscape?"_ Kurama retorted.

Naruto prodded the seal on his stomach, pouting slightly. He heard the great furry freeloader grumble out a laugh, then felt him settle in for a nap.

"So, Uzumaki, if you don't mind me asking," began Draco, lounging on his bed while some fancy jutsu — _spell,_ Naruto corrected himself — put his belongings away for him. "Are you the head of your house, then?"

Head of his…? _Oh._ Well, he supposed with Nagato dead, and near enough every other Uzumaki having taken another name… Really, it was just him and Karin. "Well, yeah, I guess."

Draco _hmm_ 'd, looking rather pleased at something.

"Now, Draco, don't suffocate him. He's _new_ after all," said Theodore with a particularly _I'm-from-a-noble-clan-this-is-how-I-always-smile-fuck-you_ sort of smile. "Probably doesn't know all that much about how things work over here."

Naruto tried very hard not to be insulted. He was used to being called stupid, and — okay — that wasn't _entirely_ wrong, but fuck if he didn't try his damned hardest. So Naruto took great pleasure in actually knowing something right off the bat for once, and that was knowing that Draco and Theodore were trying to gauge his reaction about anything related to… to that guy… Crap, Naruto forgot his name… _Fuck what the fuck was it…_ Vol… Voldy…

Anything related to Voldydude.

(He was _trying_ his _best_ but that _damned hat_ put him in the _wrong damn house_ okay.)

Anyway. Naruto knew what they were doing, and he decided he'd play 'What would Kakashi-sensei do?' and play dumb.

"Is something wrong?" he asked, pausing in his half-assed attempt at folding his clothes away. Out of the corner of his eye, Naruto thought he saw Blaise roll his eyes.

"No, we don't expect you to understand the workings of the British wizarding community, but if you _are_ a House Head then perhaps we should let you know how things work," Draco said, sounding like he thought he was doing Naruto a favour as he swung his legs over the side of his bed to stand. He strolled rather leisurely to the centre of the room, hands in his pockets, and Naruto wondered if maybe Draco thought it looked cool, when really Naruto was somewhat reminded of all the monologuing villains he'd fought over the years. Yikes. That was something Naruto was going to have to work on with the Slytherins it seemed.

Naruto waited for the inevitable continuation of what was sure to be the start of a long, droning lecture on noble intentions, the betterment of the world, and other justifications of puppy-kicking and/or other known formats of Being A Dick™. Sure enough, Draco took in a deep breath, and Naruto leant against a bedpost to listen.

"We Noble and Ancient Houses take great pride in the purity of our bloodlines, and the house of Slytherin, named after the greatest wizard ever to have lived, is where the elite of the wizarding world learns magic. There are those _unfortunate_ few whose bloodlines have been _weakened—_ " insert obligatory dismayed shake of head "—through the fraternising of wizard and muggle kind. As you _must_ already know, this has led to the diluting of magical power, as well as lower intelligence in mudblood children. However it may work in Japan, here we—"

"That's kind of dumb, don't you think?" Naruto said, and fuck if Sasuke wasn't going to try and remove the other arm for this. But there was something about that word, _mudblood,_ that didn't sit right with Naruto at all.

Draco looked flummoxed at the interruption, and then as though someone had shoved something gross-smelling under his nose, and then finally he raised an eyebrow just a bit too delicate looking to not have been groomed.

The room fell into a tense silence, and Naruto folded his arms across his chest. "Well, you don't _really_ believe that just because someone doesn't have magic parents, they're — what — _dumb_ or something, do you? That doesn't even make sense."

"Actually, there are _multiple_ cases where—"

"My friend Sakura — her parents are ci—" _fuck no not civilians_ "—muggles, and she's a _genius._ No, really!" he insisted when he saw Theodore open his mouth to comment. "She's super clever — knows _tons_ of stuff about po—" _shit fuck not poisons_ "- _tions_ and she's saved my life more than once. She's one of the best medics around where I come from." He scowled at their skeptical expressions. "She could take almost anyone I know in a fight, too."

Draco scoffed. "Muggle brawling? How _brutish."_ Even as he said this, Vincent and Gregory squared up behind him, cracking their knuckles in what Naruto guessed was supposed to be an intimidating way. Maybe if they were taller, creepier, with ten tails and the firepower to level a continent. And even then, that only a very small _maybe_.

Naruto shrugged. Civilians nearly always thought the shinobi life was brutish, thuggish, mercenary. It got old after a while, but it was their way of thinking, he supposed. "Sure, but that shit can save your life."

Briefly, very briefly, Naruto saw intrigue on Draco's face as he glanced down at his bandaged arm. Right. Slytherins. Clever.

And then Draco was back to his haughty attitude. "Well, no matter how things work over in _Japan,_ here we respect tradition, and a Slytherin expectation is to uphold that tradition."

Naruto grinned, saying, "No problem!" and thought to himself, _Fuck that fuck this and fuck you. Operation Super Friendship Problem Solving is go!_


End file.
